For nine months I had visions of what my life would be like with my new little one. First of all would it be a life filled with pink and princesses or a blue one filled with trucks and camo? Would our new arrival let us sleep at night or keep us up with its', what would seem like, endless screaming? Would we have a fussy baby or one that was very content? Would he or she look like me or resemble my husband? All of these thoughts and more went through my head day in and day out. I had envisioned the day that he or she was brought into this world. It was absolutely perfect. There were tears of joy and just so much excitement. In my dreams it was so clear that we were going to be the perfect family. I saw our first family picture and it was just precious. Our little child was spoiled from the beginning with people crowding around to get a good look and waiting patiently to hold the bundle of joy.
Little did I know that these would be merely dreams and that on August 18, 2010 my entire world would be flipped completely upside down for the rest of my life. My dream did not show EMTs doing CPR or carrying my sons lifeless body to an ambulance in hopes that he would soon take his first breath. My dreams did not show emergency room personnel rushing around in a panic while Corey and I just sat there unable to anything but pray. And I would have never dreamed them telling us that there was nothing more they could do for son and that he was gone. Instead of the tears of joy and excitement that were in my dreams, there were only tears of pain and sorrow. It was like a nightmare and I just wanted to wake up but I couldn't. I felt almost numb to my surroundings. This could not be happening to us. I felt as if I had let my husband and family down. I felt like they were disappointed in me and my decisions. We all expected to end the day with a precious bundle of joy in our arms but came out empty handed.
All we wanted was a perfect life for our son or daughter and I guess that is what we got. We just should have specified that we would have liked that life to be here on earth with us. Before that day I never knew that you could feel so many emotions all at the same time. There was confusion, pain, sorrow, emptiness, heartache, sadness, disbelief, jealousy, hatred and anger. I just could not grasp the reality that was staring me in the face. I had just given birth to my son who I was never going to get to see again. I would never get to hear him talk or see him walk. All of these "I will nevers" kept going through my head. August 18, 2010 was the hardest day I will ever have to go through and I know for a fact that without the love and support from my wonderful husband I would never have made it. I love you Corey!
-Shannon Zuroweste
No comments:
Post a Comment