Day 56

            Its been 8 weeks since the most joyous, and most painful day of my life.  Not a day goes by that I do not think about it, and the happenings that led to the biggest life changing event of my life.  It has changed me in many ways, some good, some bad, and in others, still yet undetermined.  Even though I would say that I am better than most, at hiding my emotions, still I find myself suddenly crying for apparently no reason, although deep inside, I know the reason and it is reason enough.

            Looking back to the weeks leading up to August 18, 2010, a day which I will never forget, I remember the anticipation, joy, and nervousness that consumed me.  I was going to be a dad, how exciting, how stressful, how scary.  The whirlwind of emotions had me undoubtedly awaiting the arrival of our new baby (which I stated from day one would be a boy, because I knew in my heart he was, but not everyone was as sure as I was), and I was on pins and needles. 

            Questions abounded within my head.  "Will I be a good dad?", "What kind of things will he like?", "Am I going to finish his room in time?", even "What are the dogs going to think?", were many of the questions going through my head.  The only question that never popped up, was the one that scared me most, "Will he be alive?".  Of course he would, why would I ever have reason to think otherwise?  Aside from a sub-chorionic hemorrhage at about 7 weeks in (which we were assured time and time again was completely normal, and happens quite frequently, which many Google searches attested to), everything went great, or so it seemed.

            Shannon (my wife, my rock, my soul mate) did everything she could to make sure we had as uncomplicated a pregnancy as possible.  She overhauled her diet to eat as healthy as possible, went cold turkey on the soda, and never so much as touched a drink or smoked (which she never did in the first place).  Every appointment we had at the doctors (and eventually at the midwives, we kept dual care with) came across as "excellent" or "awesome" or "perfect".  Logan (although we didn't know his name at the initial time) was always moving and active, with an excellent and strong heartbeat.  Never in a million years would we have thought that the heart and cord could be the problem, nor did anyone else.  

            It seems the past couple weeks I have been in a backslide, as opposed to getting better.  From what I can find, there will be many ups and downs, and that makes sense.  Where normally I look forward to the holidays (like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.), and to being with family, but this time, I want to avoid them all together.  Seeing little ones and their parents so happy (as bad as it sounds) is just to tough right now.  All I can think about it that it should be us, taking our child trick or treating, watching them open their Christmas presents, etc.  With Logan, it is an impossibility now, and that pains me to no end.  I look at our house, and especially his unfinished room, and flooding emotions overtake me. 

            Looking at the unfinished hidden door bookcase (which I could not wait for him to discover some day, and anxiously awaited his reaction), I cannot bring myself to finish it yet.  The crib, still sits in the room, awaiting its mattress and tenant.  The door to the room still needing to be hung,  the closet that is almost finished, and the last couple pieces of trim to hang all serve as reminder that the room is, like me, empty.  Shannon and myself have discussed selling the house on multiple occasions', just to escape the pain that it brings.  The memories that should be happy, are depressing, sorrowful, and frustrating.

            The outpouring of love and support we have received has been great, and we could not ask for more.  I do wish, however, people would stop asking us how we are doing.  I know they ask because they truly care, but the long and short of it is that every time we are asked, it reawakens the painful memories and the whole situation, it sucks, pure and simple.  The purpose of this blog is to convey just what we are feeling each week, so that if people truly want to know, they only need to come here and see what is happening in our lives, and what is happening as we set up the Logan Charles Memorial Foundation to help others who would be going through similar situations.

            We understand that the road ahead is long, and rough, and our doing our best to cope.  The kind prayers are still very well appreciated, and wanted, because even though we do not understand why, we know God does have a plan, and most surely has a purpose for our beloved son.  Thank you and may God bless you.

-Corey A. Zuroweste