A Change of Season

As fall approaches I find it hard to enjoy my favorite season and the beautiful weather that goes along with it. I hear about people taking their kids to the pumpkin patches and about all the fun they had while they were there. We are invited to Fall activities and we try to attend them, but it is just so hard with a special person always missing. That was supposed to be us at the pumpkin patches and us telling others about our experiences. I know that they are just excited about the things that they are doing with their families, but I find it hard to listen to their stories. I don't intend to be mean, but at times I just have to walk away from certain conversations.

It is hard at work as well. I see the baby's first Thanksgiving shirts and the baby's first Christmas ornaments and stockings. No matter where we go there is always a reminder of what we have lost. Driving down the street I see parents walking, pushing their children in strollers. I see parents at the park pushing their children in the swing or watching them go down the slide. I saw all these things in my dreams as well, only we were "those people" and we were so happy. Now it is hard to even get out of bed every morning and try to put on a happy face.

I have found that working on different things for the Logan Charles Memorial Foundation helps the pain a little. It is a way for me to channel my feelings into something good. I have been looking into and doing research on different fundraisers we can do to raise money. I have also been learning from Corey how to read html code so that I can work on the website as well. I am really enjoying the designing of the web page. I never thought that it would be something I would be interested in, but I am really looking forward to learning more about web page design.

Sometimes you just have to reevaluate your life and ask yourself if you are where  you want to be doing what you want to do. Being back at work the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of reevaluating. I feel like everyone has been looking at me differently since I have gotten back. I don't feel like the conversations I used to have with people there are the same.  Everyone seems to be very standoffish and it makes me even more uncomfortable. It is so hard when people don't understand what you are going through and don't realize how hard it really is. I believe that some of my coworkers think that I should be over it by now since it has been over 9 weeks. Losing a son is not just
something you just "get over".

What Corey and I have been and are going through is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. It is a pain I have never felt before and don't even know how to describe. The thing is, it is a pain that never will go away. It may get a little more tolerable as time goes on, but it will still always be there. I have learned that the Lord has our lives in His hands and no matter what we think we know, He always know more. This is His world and we are only here for a temporary visit. We are not living in our permanent homes here on earth, we are merely renting real estate from the Lord.

~Shannon~