It is a very hard day for me today. Halloween, what used to be one of our favorite holidays, this year is just another day. We used to decorate up the yard to the extreme. We would have the fog machines out, electronic pumpkins, you name it we had it. We even used to decorate up the dogs in costumes. But this year we haven't even mentioned getting the things out of the closet. Our hearts just aren't in like they have been the past few years. We aren't going to be handing out candy this year either. It is just too hard to see all the little ones all dressed up having a blast going from house to house. Some of them with candy bags so full they are leaving a trail behind them as they walk up and down the sidewalks.
I see pictures of all these kids dressed up in their costumes and it hurts so bad that we don't have a little one to share this with. We have not been running around searching for the past couple months for the cutest or best looking costume, but I sure wish I had been. Our excitement for Halloween has just diminished. Normally we would have been outside all day today putting the finishing touches on the masterpiece we had created in our front yard, but today we have just been sitting around the house. I can feel that I am more irritable today and I know the reason why. I want to be getting my son ready to go "trick or treating" or at his age it would have been more like showing off, and I can't.
If you are reading this and are one of the parents who really don't want to take your kids out tonight to trick or treat. Or if you really don't want to mess with getting the costumes out and getting your children ready for a night that they will truly enjoy, please remember that there are people out there such as my husband and I that would love to be doing those things right now. We would love to have the opportunity to take our son from house to house as long as he would last. As a matter of fact we would do it just to be able to spend that time with our child. Unfortunately that is not an option for us this year.
Some can only dream about what others take for granted.
~Shannon~
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
A Change of Season
As fall approaches I find it hard to enjoy my favorite season and the beautiful weather that goes along with it. I hear about people taking their kids to the pumpkin patches and about all the fun they had while they were there. We are invited to Fall activities and we try to attend them, but it is just so hard with a special person always missing. That was supposed to be us at the pumpkin patches and us telling others about our experiences. I know that they are just excited about the things that they are doing with their families, but I find it hard to listen to their stories. I don't intend to be mean, but at times I just have to walk away from certain conversations.
It is hard at work as well. I see the baby's first Thanksgiving shirts and the baby's first Christmas ornaments and stockings. No matter where we go there is always a reminder of what we have lost. Driving down the street I see parents walking, pushing their children in strollers. I see parents at the park pushing their children in the swing or watching them go down the slide. I saw all these things in my dreams as well, only we were "those people" and we were so happy. Now it is hard to even get out of bed every morning and try to put on a happy face.
I have found that working on different things for the Logan Charles Memorial Foundation helps the pain a little. It is a way for me to channel my feelings into something good. I have been looking into and doing research on different fundraisers we can do to raise money. I have also been learning from Corey how to read html code so that I can work on the website as well. I am really enjoying the designing of the web page. I never thought that it would be something I would be interested in, but I am really looking forward to learning more about web page design.
Sometimes you just have to reevaluate your life and ask yourself if you are where you want to be doing what you want to do. Being back at work the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of reevaluating. I feel like everyone has been looking at me differently since I have gotten back. I don't feel like the conversations I used to have with people there are the same. Everyone seems to be very standoffish and it makes me even more uncomfortable. It is so hard when people don't understand what you are going through and don't realize how hard it really is. I believe that some of my coworkers think that I should be over it by now since it has been over 9 weeks. Losing a son is not just
something you just "get over".
What Corey and I have been and are going through is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. It is a pain I have never felt before and don't even know how to describe. The thing is, it is a pain that never will go away. It may get a little more tolerable as time goes on, but it will still always be there. I have learned that the Lord has our lives in His hands and no matter what we think we know, He always know more. This is His world and we are only here for a temporary visit. We are not living in our permanent homes here on earth, we are merely renting real estate from the Lord.
~Shannon~
It is hard at work as well. I see the baby's first Thanksgiving shirts and the baby's first Christmas ornaments and stockings. No matter where we go there is always a reminder of what we have lost. Driving down the street I see parents walking, pushing their children in strollers. I see parents at the park pushing their children in the swing or watching them go down the slide. I saw all these things in my dreams as well, only we were "those people" and we were so happy. Now it is hard to even get out of bed every morning and try to put on a happy face.
I have found that working on different things for the Logan Charles Memorial Foundation helps the pain a little. It is a way for me to channel my feelings into something good. I have been looking into and doing research on different fundraisers we can do to raise money. I have also been learning from Corey how to read html code so that I can work on the website as well. I am really enjoying the designing of the web page. I never thought that it would be something I would be interested in, but I am really looking forward to learning more about web page design.
Sometimes you just have to reevaluate your life and ask yourself if you are where you want to be doing what you want to do. Being back at work the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of reevaluating. I feel like everyone has been looking at me differently since I have gotten back. I don't feel like the conversations I used to have with people there are the same. Everyone seems to be very standoffish and it makes me even more uncomfortable. It is so hard when people don't understand what you are going through and don't realize how hard it really is. I believe that some of my coworkers think that I should be over it by now since it has been over 9 weeks. Losing a son is not just
something you just "get over".
What Corey and I have been and are going through is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. It is a pain I have never felt before and don't even know how to describe. The thing is, it is a pain that never will go away. It may get a little more tolerable as time goes on, but it will still always be there. I have learned that the Lord has our lives in His hands and no matter what we think we know, He always know more. This is His world and we are only here for a temporary visit. We are not living in our permanent homes here on earth, we are merely renting real estate from the Lord.
~Shannon~
Just a dream
Last night was a strange night. My dream was so vivid that I woke up believing it to be true, and seemed to go on forever. Now while I couldn't tell you where the place was, as my mind was focused on the event at hand, everything else that happened was with such immense detail, that it seemed so real. On one hand, it comforted me for a while after I woke up, and on the other, it saddened me that it didn't actually happen.
I dreamt that Shannon was in delivery, although this time it was a different place, and everything went all right with the baby (whose name I am not going to post, but Shannon knows what the name is). We enjoyed the first 6 months or so, and in the dream, I remember most of that time as it actually happened. I wont go into great detail, but it was wonderful.
Unfortunately, I awoke from it with a stomache ache, and looked around, and realized it was only a dream. It was depressing, to say the least, but at least Gunner (one of our Rhodesian Ridgeback's) realized something was up, and groggily proceeded to roll close to me on his back, flailing his head about acting all goofy. He's pretty good for that (now if he would just stay out of the trash, we wouldn't have any real issues with him).
It's rare that I remember dreams as vividly as I remember this one, and maybe there is a reason for it, or it could just be coincidence.... I don't know yet. If it is a glimpse into the future, I am excited, but if it's only a dream, a want, a yearning....well.... then it is truly depressing.
I know now that I do want children more than anything, and regret all those times I said I didn't want them. Maybe Karma is coming back to give me a slap of reality, who knows. It's scary, though, thinking if this was to happen again. I know I shouldn't, but there is the possibility that it could, and I do not think we could handle another bout like this, but only time will tell.
-Corey A. Zuroweste
I dreamt that Shannon was in delivery, although this time it was a different place, and everything went all right with the baby (whose name I am not going to post, but Shannon knows what the name is). We enjoyed the first 6 months or so, and in the dream, I remember most of that time as it actually happened. I wont go into great detail, but it was wonderful.
Unfortunately, I awoke from it with a stomache ache, and looked around, and realized it was only a dream. It was depressing, to say the least, but at least Gunner (one of our Rhodesian Ridgeback's) realized something was up, and groggily proceeded to roll close to me on his back, flailing his head about acting all goofy. He's pretty good for that (now if he would just stay out of the trash, we wouldn't have any real issues with him).
It's rare that I remember dreams as vividly as I remember this one, and maybe there is a reason for it, or it could just be coincidence.... I don't know yet. If it is a glimpse into the future, I am excited, but if it's only a dream, a want, a yearning....well.... then it is truly depressing.
I know now that I do want children more than anything, and regret all those times I said I didn't want them. Maybe Karma is coming back to give me a slap of reality, who knows. It's scary, though, thinking if this was to happen again. I know I shouldn't, but there is the possibility that it could, and I do not think we could handle another bout like this, but only time will tell.
-Corey A. Zuroweste
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Day 63
9 weeks into this, and while there has been much difficulty, a glimmer of hope/happiness has emerged. We were approved for our non-profit, Logan Charles Memorial Foundation, and have been working overtime to get everything up and running. So far we have a rough website (very rough website, I have never been a web designer, but I am learning slowly just how it all works), the bank account open, our name registered, etc. I have been applying for affiliate programs like crazy, which has been time consuming, but also moderately successful. Basically, when people shop through one of the links on our website, a small percentage of the sale is paid out to the non-profit (100% of the money earned goes back to the non-profit, and people clicking through our links doesn't cost them any more than if they had went directly to the site. Its a win-win situation.). That, in itself, has been excellent.
In the upcoming week, we are planning on getting the foundation formed as an LLC, and eventually the plans will be to incorporate under a 501 c(3) charity, although that is going to be at least a few months yet. We were fortunate enough to meet Crystal Jennings, who has helped tremendously for us in getting this off the ground. For those of you who have not yet met her, she is running for our Franklin County Auditor this election. I personally put my full support behind anyone with a work/helpful ethic, such as her own. If she is willing to work this hard, for people she didn't know, and caring less whether she gets their business or not (mainly just wanting to make sure she does all she can to help them), then I am sure she will do a fantastic job in the elected position.
With so much of our time devoted to getting the non-profit up and running, I have not had as much time to sit and be depressed, although those times do still come, they are not as frequent this week. Maybe it's because I am channeling all my energy into something good, that will stand as a tribute to our son's name. This does not mean that I do not miss him greatly, and nothing will ever truly fill that hole in my heart. With time, it hopefully will mend over, but never truly be gone.
The hardest part of the week, is the part that should have been the most fun. We had our church picnic/hayride this last Sunday, which was a wonderful time and we surely had tons of fun there. While we were kept busy playing games, eating, and talking amongst excellent company, no issues really arose. It was hard when I was able to see just how much fun the little ones were having in the bounce tent, and running around, because I knew that I should be taking care of one at that same time, and watch the wonderment on his face at the people around.
The silence on that drive home was deafening. I felt it, Shannon felt it, and there wasn't anything we could do. It was just emptiness. We swung in to visit his grave that night, and all we could do was weep. The night was beautiful, and we did not belong there, rather at home around the fire-pit, enjoying the awesome October weather, or inside on the floor, watching Gunner curl around Logan
-Corey A. Zuroweste
Oct 20, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Day 56
Its been 8 weeks since the most joyous, and most painful day of my life. Not a day goes by that I do not think about it, and the happenings that led to the biggest life changing event of my life. It has changed me in many ways, some good, some bad, and in others, still yet undetermined. Even though I would say that I am better than most, at hiding my emotions, still I find myself suddenly crying for apparently no reason, although deep inside, I know the reason and it is reason enough.
Looking back to the weeks leading up to August 18, 2010, a day which I will never forget, I remember the anticipation, joy, and nervousness that consumed me. I was going to be a dad, how exciting, how stressful, how scary. The whirlwind of emotions had me undoubtedly awaiting the arrival of our new baby (which I stated from day one would be a boy, because I knew in my heart he was, but not everyone was as sure as I was), and I was on pins and needles.
Questions abounded within my head. "Will I be a good dad?", "What kind of things will he like?", "Am I going to finish his room in time?", even "What are the dogs going to think?", were many of the questions going through my head. The only question that never popped up, was the one that scared me most, "Will he be alive?". Of course he would, why would I ever have reason to think otherwise? Aside from a sub-chorionic hemorrhage at about 7 weeks in (which we were assured time and time again was completely normal, and happens quite frequently, which many Google searches attested to), everything went great, or so it seemed.
Shannon (my wife, my rock, my soul mate) did everything she could to make sure we had as uncomplicated a pregnancy as possible. She overhauled her diet to eat as healthy as possible, went cold turkey on the soda, and never so much as touched a drink or smoked (which she never did in the first place). Every appointment we had at the doctors (and eventually at the midwives, we kept dual care with) came across as "excellent" or "awesome" or "perfect". Logan
It seems the past couple weeks I have been in a backslide, as opposed to getting better. From what I can find, there will be many ups and downs, and that makes sense. Where normally I look forward to the holidays (like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.), and to being with family, but this time, I want to avoid them all together. Seeing little ones and their parents so happy (as bad as it sounds) is just to tough right now. All I can think about it that it should be us, taking our child trick or treating, watching them open their Christmas presents, etc. With Logan
Looking at the unfinished hidden door bookcase (which I could not wait for him to discover some day, and anxiously awaited his reaction), I cannot bring myself to finish it yet. The crib, still sits in the room, awaiting its mattress and tenant. The door to the room still needing to be hung, the closet that is almost finished, and the last couple pieces of trim to hang all serve as reminder that the room is, like me, empty. Shannon and myself have discussed selling the house on multiple occasions', just to escape the pain that it brings. The memories that should be happy, are depressing, sorrowful, and frustrating.
The outpouring of love and support we have received has been great, and we could not ask for more. I do wish, however, people would stop asking us how we are doing. I know they ask because they truly care, but the long and short of it is that every time we are asked, it reawakens the painful memories and the whole situation, it sucks, pure and simple. The purpose of this blog is to convey just what we are feeling each week, so that if people truly want to know, they only need to come here and see what is happening in our lives, and what is happening as we set up the Logan Charles Memorial Foundation to help others who would be going through similar situations.
We understand that the road ahead is long, and rough, and our doing our best to cope. The kind prayers are still very well appreciated, and wanted, because even though we do not understand why, we know God does have a plan, and most surely has a purpose for our beloved son. Thank you and may God bless you.
-Corey A. Zuroweste
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Shattered Dreams
For nine months I had visions of what my life would be like with my new little one. First of all would it be a life filled with pink and princesses or a blue one filled with trucks and camo? Would our new arrival let us sleep at night or keep us up with its', what would seem like, endless screaming? Would we have a fussy baby or one that was very content? Would he or she look like me or resemble my husband? All of these thoughts and more went through my head day in and day out. I had envisioned the day that he or she was brought into this world. It was absolutely perfect. There were tears of joy and just so much excitement. In my dreams it was so clear that we were going to be the perfect family. I saw our first family picture and it was just precious. Our little child was spoiled from the beginning with people crowding around to get a good look and waiting patiently to hold the bundle of joy.
Little did I know that these would be merely dreams and that on August 18, 2010 my entire world would be flipped completely upside down for the rest of my life. My dream did not show EMTs doing CPR or carrying my sons lifeless body to an ambulance in hopes that he would soon take his first breath. My dreams did not show emergency room personnel rushing around in a panic while Corey and I just sat there unable to anything but pray. And I would have never dreamed them telling us that there was nothing more they could do for son and that he was gone. Instead of the tears of joy and excitement that were in my dreams, there were only tears of pain and sorrow. It was like a nightmare and I just wanted to wake up but I couldn't. I felt almost numb to my surroundings. This could not be happening to us. I felt as if I had let my husband and family down. I felt like they were disappointed in me and my decisions. We all expected to end the day with a precious bundle of joy in our arms but came out empty handed.
All we wanted was a perfect life for our son or daughter and I guess that is what we got. We just should have specified that we would have liked that life to be here on earth with us. Before that day I never knew that you could feel so many emotions all at the same time. There was confusion, pain, sorrow, emptiness, heartache, sadness, disbelief, jealousy, hatred and anger. I just could not grasp the reality that was staring me in the face. I had just given birth to my son who I was never going to get to see again. I would never get to hear him talk or see him walk. All of these "I will nevers" kept going through my head. August 18, 2010 was the hardest day I will ever have to go through and I know for a fact that without the love and support from my wonderful husband I would never have made it. I love you Corey!
-Shannon Zuroweste
Little did I know that these would be merely dreams and that on August 18, 2010 my entire world would be flipped completely upside down for the rest of my life. My dream did not show EMTs doing CPR or carrying my sons lifeless body to an ambulance in hopes that he would soon take his first breath. My dreams did not show emergency room personnel rushing around in a panic while Corey and I just sat there unable to anything but pray. And I would have never dreamed them telling us that there was nothing more they could do for son and that he was gone. Instead of the tears of joy and excitement that were in my dreams, there were only tears of pain and sorrow. It was like a nightmare and I just wanted to wake up but I couldn't. I felt almost numb to my surroundings. This could not be happening to us. I felt as if I had let my husband and family down. I felt like they were disappointed in me and my decisions. We all expected to end the day with a precious bundle of joy in our arms but came out empty handed.
All we wanted was a perfect life for our son or daughter and I guess that is what we got. We just should have specified that we would have liked that life to be here on earth with us. Before that day I never knew that you could feel so many emotions all at the same time. There was confusion, pain, sorrow, emptiness, heartache, sadness, disbelief, jealousy, hatred and anger. I just could not grasp the reality that was staring me in the face. I had just given birth to my son who I was never going to get to see again. I would never get to hear him talk or see him walk. All of these "I will nevers" kept going through my head. August 18, 2010 was the hardest day I will ever have to go through and I know for a fact that without the love and support from my wonderful husband I would never have made it. I love you Corey!
-Shannon Zuroweste
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